U know what I said? U don't.

I try to write something to calm myself down, but I am not sure whether it works or not. Life is so hard to tell all the truth, I went through so much until now, I told myself that you need a simple life, but I just can’t. Love, betray, loneliness, all these kind of feelings would have killed me, but I am still alive. Live in the real world, sometimes you should be pretend to be others, who is not yourself at all.

Until now, friends, family, classmates, teachers, strangers, all the people I met, I appreciate all of you. Because of all the history, I became myself now. Even though I hated myself before, but now I started to love myself. I have to love myself to maintain all my energy to live on. Nobody said it was easy, we’re all going through too much. I wake up everyday with a bad dream, no one’s on my side I was fighting, but I still can see the light, far away from me.

I saw the most beautiful sunset in Africa, I saw lions running in the Masai Mara, I saw flamingos flying away from the Nakuru lake, I saw people fighting for a maize, I saw people dying for nothing. The world is always bigger than your imagination.

I meet a guy who lived 4 years life for nothing just seeing the world, he walked in Africa for a volunteer, he walked 40 days from one city to another, he kissed the women he liked and said goodbye. I meet a girl lived 3 years life in Europe but keep escaping, escaped from one trouble to another, escaped from one men to another, escaped from one country to another. I appreciate the first one, but I can’t do what he did. I also appreciate the second one, cause I even don’t have enough courage to escape.

How come?! I was a girl who is not afraid of anything. I was a girl that everyone I love was relying on me. I was the girl who went to so many places alone just for one beautiful sunset and one beautiful photo. When?! When the world has changed? Or just me.

如果人生可以重新选择,我想我也不会是一个歌手


整理照片发现上次帮朋友的乐队拍照的时候,拍了这么一张。拍的时候,录音师再三叮嘱我,说一定要小心这个话筒,这个话筒有多么多么贵重。其实,我明白的,虽然现在的我是握着相机而不是话筒的,但我曾经有多少个日夜,也是随着它一起的。

就这样,我想起我十多年以前的舞台梦。那个时候,我也每天都唱歌,出入录音棚,出入大小舞台。那个时候我在省少年儿童合唱团,偶尔当当主唱,常年给老师当免费的劳动力录各种儿童歌曲,参加各种节目的录制。然而梦想还没开始就已终结,虽然曾经也有人喜欢我的声音要我往专业的路上发展,可当时的我更喜欢画画。还好,这一切,还留下了稀疏照片,供我无聊的时候慢慢回忆。

现在,我的现实生活没有话筒,也没有舞台。也许我不够热爱和坚持,否则,我的人生一定跟现在完全不一样。第一年超女的时候,我还在念初中,那年的超女没有报名要求。以前合唱图的朋友问我要不要跟她组团去参加,我同意了,可那天考试,于是就这么错过了。第二年开始,就有年龄限制了。等我达到年龄的时候,我早就失去了那份对话筒的热情了。大二那年看完《Camp Rock》发现女主角比我小两岁的时候,我人生第一次意识到,原来不是everything is possible了,我再也没有机会去舞台唱歌。

不过,我想要是人生可以重新选择的话,我大概也不会是一个歌手。也许真的可能是个社会工作者,或者自由摄影师,或者是体操运动员,又或者学校里的美术老师。大概没有太多的机会可以成为歌手,即便给我机会,我大概也没有胆量挑战。噢,我忘了,曾经我是有机会的。

三月第一天


这里是凌晨三点 在异乡的午夜
我想起那一天 你在车站站台的笑颜
灵魂从来不听自己指挥 血液在蔓延
过去残缺和破败成就的 也许不曾改变
可占据眼前的 是说不出口的蜜语甜言

我从来抓不住这个世界的幻变
我从来带不走这个世界的浮点
你听见我悲伤的尖叫沉默的双眼
你到来我阴暗的冬日和抑郁的夜
你就像一个弓箭手骄傲的在日光天
遥远看着森林那一头我交替的执念

没有时间的沉淀 也没有永恒的茧
永远来得从容体贴 不会急于表现
你是否 会爱我不变

也许爱穿梭在 你我拥抱的瞬间
也许爱游荡在 你我亲吻的屋檐
我悲伤而温柔地 拉着感情线
你细腻而沉浸地 享受着爱恋
我爱你是写满在窗台边的便条笺
我想你是布满身体每个细胞的考验

没有你的公园街 到处都是卖巧克力的店
也许下一次见面 只会让我爱你变得浓烈
这一切 不是瞬间闪现